


Negative Spiral

by fleurjaune



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: (not sure it really earns the comfort tag), Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Has a Crush on Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Gen, Jealousy, Minor Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Nathalie Sancoeur-centric, Oblivious Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, References to Illness, Self-Worth Issues, damaged peacock miraculous, tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurjaune/pseuds/fleurjaune
Summary: It was stupid really. Stupid to be jealous of a teenage girl. Even if said teenager had already achieved more in her life than Nathalie ever had in hers or was really ever likely to, and was well-liked by her acquaintances, and was probably going to be dating the boy she liked soon, and had loving parents.So maybe not so stupid.Except it is because Nathalie of all people knows just how dangerous it is to have a negative emotion in Paris these days.
Relationships: Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth & Nathalie Sancoeur, aka adrien is interested but has not realised that, implied future adrienette, probably not shippy enough for the ship tag
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Negative Spiral

She forced herself to ignore her headache, and how the vibration of the car made it worse, and concentrate on what Adrien was babbling on about. Something about a group project he had as homework for school and the girl he was doing it with.

“And her parents are really nice, and they’d totally have me over every time, but I don’t think that’s really fair?”

“Which one of your classmates is it?” She asked. Gabriel _should_ allow the classmate in question into the house if it was for schoolwork and only schoolwork, but it would help her case if she had as much information to screen them with as possible.

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng. You might remember her actually, she’s the one who won Father’s design competition.”

“Ah yes, I know the girl you mean.” _That_ was going to make things difficult given Lila Rossi’s description of her as a bad influence. Although given the girl had lied to get into the house, which was something she still couldn’t believe she’d been stupid enough to fall for, it was possible the girl was lying about that too.

She might have to say that to Gabriel little as she liked reminding him of her failures. He might be unlikely to fire her these days given what she knew but that didn’t make disappointing him any easier.

“She’s really talented actually.” Adrien said, “At least _I_ think so. Though it’s not only me-did you know Jagged Stone had her design his latest album cover?”

She suddenly felt very hollow. She’d got used to getting older and suddenly all the new exciting up-and-coming movers and shakers of the world being younger than her. She’d thought she was over the old resentment she’d feel when she went home and her mother told her about some classmate's younger sibling or similar who’d gone on to far surpass anything in her own life but this Marinette couldn’t be any older than Adrien. Are people with actually money really employing _teenagers_ as designers now?

The fact she’s defeated by people probably not much older than Adrien regularly should probably have inured her to this bitterness, and yet it apparently hasn’t.

She pushed down her emotions and concentrated on Adrien. “Oh, I didn’t know that. She must have a very bright future ahead of her.”

“Yeah, I think so, and seriously she deserves it. She’s class president, and she does so much for everyone in the class. She’s like an everyday Ladybug.”

“She’s certainly impressed you.” She couldn’t stop herself from remarking, though she did try to keep her tone neutral.

Luckily Adrien seemed blind to any undertone.

His hand went to the back of his neck, in a bad attempt at nonchalance, “I guess. I just wish we were better friends. I mean we’re friendly-she and Nino have know each another forever so it’s hard not to be, but given he and Alya keep abandoning us together, it’d be nice if she was more relaxed with me. Not that she’s rude, it’s just she’s always kind of quiet around me? I don’t know, it’s like she thinks I’m going to judge what she says? Anyway I’m hoping this project will help with that.”

Nathalie could see a rather different explanation for the behaviour Adrien described but apparently he wasn’t much better than his father when it came to noticing female interest.

Unlike his father the laudatory description of her he’d offered basically unprompted made it sound like while he might not be aware of his friend’s interest he certainly returned it, even if he wasn’t aware of that either.

“I’ll talk to your father about to getting permission to have her over, and then check back in with you about when works.”

“Thanks Nathalie! You’re a lifesaver.” Adrien said smiling and ran in the door to the house ahead of her.

As she settled down at her desk she couldn’t help but feel his praise wasn’t deserved. If she wanted to earn it she should really start work on convincing his father that not only was Miss Dupain-Cheng an acceptable houseguest but that it really wouldn’t be the end of the world if Adrien _did_ start dating, and chose her as his first girlfriend.

Though who knows for all she knew maybe he’d be impressed by the girl too the once he really met her, and had the chance to judge her for himself, and they’d bond over fashion and he’d decide that an up-and-coming designer was the perfect girlfriend for Adrien to maximise the youth appeal for the brand.

“Nathalie?” The man in question called over from where he stood at his podium, “Did you not forward me the confirmation from the factory in Milan yet?”

“I’ll send it again sir.” She said automatically hoping that she _had_ sent it before and he just couldn’t find it.

She wondered if he’d been waiting for her to re-appear to ask her or if he’d even noticed her absence.

She tried to ignore the sudden chill she was feeling. After all the temperature in the office hadn’t changed at all. It was just her and her inadequacies.

It was stupid really. Stupid to be jealous of a teenage girl. Even if said teenager had already achieved more in her life than Nathalie ever had in hers or was really ever likely to, and was well-liked by her acquaintances, and was probably going to be dating the boy she liked soon and had loving parents.

So maybe not so stupid.

Except it wasn’t as if being jealous of the girl would make her feel better and she wasn’t going to take it out on _Adrien_ by not helping him like he’d asked. She’d just avoid the girl as much as possible when she was here and pretend she wasn’t resentful of a teenager she didn’t even know.

That resolution didn’t make her own life feel any less pointless. If she got hit by a bus on the way home from work tonight the only person that would miss her was M.Agreste, and _that_ would only be because he’d lost Hawkmoth’s only ally. She didn’t have any illusions that she wasn’t perfectly replaceable when it came to her actual job.

Maybe that was why it was so easy to let herself be Mayura.

She told herself that she was doing it for the Agrestes but it some ways she supposed she was just doing it because she didn’t have any reason _not_ to do it. She’d _prefer_ to die bringing Emilie back and do one thing of value in her life but if she succumbed to damaged magic that ran through her body when she transformed before that it would just be another in a long string of failures.

She’d regret how losing her would weaken Hawkmoth but she couldn’t bring herself to care about the loss of her future life of mediocracy and aloneness for herself.

And Mayura was someone in a way Nathalie wasn’t. She wasn’t the first holder of the Peacock Miraculous nor was it the most powerful Miraculous in Paris, but it was a very exclusive club she was part of.

Her power might be nothing compared to Ladybug’s but it was power nonetheless and it was impossible not to get a thrill from being able to jump between rooftops, and her increased strength, and generally being able to throw caution to the wind. It was fun.

People noticed Mayura. Mostly to hate her, and it probably wasn’t healthy to Google her alter-ego and look through the hashtag on Twitter and see all the horrible things people wanted to do to her but she got some perverse thrill from the fact they all found her impossible to ignore. She took a particular amusement from those that seemed not able to know how to deal with the fact they were attracted to such a villain.

Mayura was needed too, and valued in a way Nathalie wasn’t. She didn’t think Gabriel knew he was doing it but Hawkmoth treated Mayura almost like an equal even though she was still only helping him to gain his goal. He was almost affectionate even. 

She heard the noise of her employer’s shoes against the marble floor and looked up to see he’d left his workstation for Mme.Agreste’s portrait. “Sir? Did you need me?”

Most likely he had felt a negative emotion and she would be called upon, but it wasn’t impossible he was just staring at the portrait for the sake of staring at the portrait. Whether in grief or in the hope of reigniting some of the inspiration he’d used to take from his wife.

His lack of response made her think perhaps he hadn’t heard her, but just as she was about to speak again he spoke without looking away from the painting towards her. “Adrien’s home. Better for you to stay here in case he comes looking for us.”

The he reached forward and activated the lift.

She felt the lump in her throat grow as she watched him. Perhaps Mayura wasn’t needed either after all.

The butterfly that flew back in the open window went unnoticed by her until it landed on her glasses, and she heard Hawkmoth’s voice in her mind. “Despaira I give you the power to make everyone in Paris feel just as worthless as you do.”

She had just enough time to idly note that it felt very different to becoming Catalyst before there wasn’t any more Nathalie.

Only Despaira.

* * *

She came to groggily, confused about where she was, and why she was lying down on something soft instead of back at her desk.

“What happened?” She asked, even more confused to open her eyes to both Agrestes with mirrored expressions of concern on their faces.

“You were akumatised” Adrien explained. “I think it went wrong or something though.”

“Wrong?” She asked unable to stop herself from looking to his father for answers. She’d no idea how an akumatisation could go wrong. She also couldn’t understand how that had led to her lying on a bed in what she’d managed to put together was one of the upstairs guestrooms.

“I saw it all out the window. You got as far as outside the front of house but then you started coughing and collapsed on the ground. That must have broken the connection somehow because you de-transformed after that.”

That made a little bit more sense, though she thinks it more likely the akuma was revoked when it became clear she was only getting sicker without being any use, than that the connection broke.

It didn’t explain why she was here instead of on one of the couches downstairs. She always came back from her episodes quickly enough. Her apartment would have make a more sensible place for her to be if she was missing some information that meant she wouldn’t be able to get back to work today.

“How did I get here?”

“Adrien and I brought you inside to recover.” Gabriel said.

She supposed that perhaps Adrien’s involvement could explain her location then. He would worry given he had none of the context of what’s happening to her.

“I still think we should have brought you to the hospital.” Adrien says mulishly.

“What she needs is rest.” His father snapped at him.

“I’ll be fine Adrien.” She told him.

He looks worried and unconvinced and it made her feel bad for her earlier assumption that he wouldn’t care if she died, and that it wouldn’t be that much of a loss if she did so without bringing back his mother. She owes it to him not to die without giving his mother back as, not a replacement because she’s not deluded enough to think she’s _that_ important to him, but as an apology at least.

“You can leave now Adrien.” Gabriel tells him.

“What?” The boy says.

“You’ve homework to do don’t you? I said you could stay until Nathalie woke up. She’s awake now.”

The displeasure on Adrien's face was obvious and for a moment it looked as if he’d argue back again but then he looked at her again, and whatever he saw on her face seemed to make his loss the will to fight. He got up silently and headed out with ill grace.

He hesitated at the threshold, and looked back, “I’ll come check on you once I’ve done all my work.”

That made her frown, and she tried to sit up to tell him that was unnecessary but her limbs betrayed her and were too weak to obey her commands.

While she’s still trying to regain some semblance of competence some silent conversation must have passed between Adrien and his father because the boy throws his hands in the air and leaves. What Gabriel mouthed or did to provoke that she’s not sure.

“Nathalie,” he sighed, but whatever he meant to say was lost when a new coughing fit came upon her.

They’re used to this by this point and he pulled her up with an arm around her torso to prop her up against the headboard in a position where the coughing is more easily dealt with.

It was annoying how much easier it was for him to move her than it had been for her to move herself, though his grip on her _had_ felt tighter than usual, and it took her a moment to notice that’s because she’s missing her blazer and now able to see her feet she realises apparently her shoes too.

She supposed they wouldn’t have wanted to dirty the bed.

“Here,” He held a mug up to her lips, and usually she’d have complained that he should just give it to her to drink herself but she wasn’t actually sure she _would_ be able to hold it if she convinced him to do so.

She took a sip and was rewarded with an oddly sweet lukewarm cup of the ginger tea she keeps for when the damage her Miraculous does manifests as nausea.

“I had Adrien make it.” Gabriel said in explanation, “He was fussing and I wanted to get him out of the way. I thought the honey would be good for the coughing.”

It did some good, so she allowed him to keep tilting it for her until she’d got a decent amount down and felt more up to talking whereupon she shook her head and he placed it down on the bedside table.

“How long was I out?” She asked.

“An hour. I was about to give into Adrien and have you taken to hospital.”

She doesn’t understand why. It doesn’t sound like it was _so_ bad that he’d have needed to act to allay suspicions about his part in her death. “I’ve slept longer before.”

“I think this was more than exhaustion this time.”

There was nothing much she can say to that. They both knew what was happening to her.

“I didn’t know it was you.” He blurted out sounding uncertain and unlike herself. “When I felt that emotion I just felt something strong that I thought could win it for us.”

Her memory of the afternoon re-assembled itself slowly.

“But you had me stay behind?” That only made sense if his plan had been to akumatise her, though she didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell her he was doing that.

“For your safety.” He snorted, “Clearly that didn’t work out, but I wasn’t lying about needing you to keep Adrien away either.”

“For my?” Her voice cracked and he held up the mug to her lips again.

Once her throat was moistened she tried again, “You have to stop trying to protect me. It’s stopping you from winning.”

He reached out and took her hand, “I haven’t been winning _with_ Mayura either. I need you here as Nathalie. I can’t keep doing with this without your support.”

“What can _Nathalie_ do?” She asked utterly lost. She’d known his conscience pricked him about her involvement but she couldn’t see that this was anything more than an attempt to placate her.

“Keep the company running for one. I know my disappearances must be inconvenient. Protect my identity. Help me research about the Miraculous and magic more. Plan attacks even if you’re not taking part as Mayura. Help me deal with Adrien.”

She wanted to say she could do all that and still be Mayura but in truth she knew that they had been playing with fire with them _both_ disappearing. The fact they worked in the house made it easier, but it had been easier to hide things when she was still at her desk to deal with field phone calls and queries.

He seemed thrown by her silence. Usually she would argue but she hadn’t the energy right now, and he wasn’t wrong exactly. At the same time she wasn’t going to stay back in the Atelier if _he_ was in danger, and she didn’t have the energy to lie either and pretend that wasn’t the case and that she wouldn’t steal the brooch back if it seemed necessary in the future.

He did seem to realise her silence isn’t full acceptance because he started speaking again. “And. What we’re doing. It’s a heavy burden to bear. Having you to share it with makes it easier. Don’t leave me to do it alone.”

She softened slightly. Though it wasn’t so different from her earlier thoughts about missing his ally if she died before they won for some reason it feels different.

“I won’t” She wanted to say and reassure him, but she knew it was a lie and the words died on her tongue.

“If you’re sure it’s what you want I’ll stop being Mayura until I’ve recovered my strength.” She said instead.

“It is. And, I _am_ sorry.”

She blinked. He had tried to stop her using the Miraculous before, and he’s sat by her until she's recovered before, but an apology?

That's new.

“I would never have sent out that Akuma if I knew it was you.”

Oh. It hasn’t been an apology for the involving her all of this after all. Instead it was for something she doesn’t care about. She would have been offended by it before but that was back before Catalyst, back before Mayura. When she’s made it clear she's willing to do anything it would be silly to be annoyed about not being asked about this.

“It's fine sir. If it had lasted long enough for me to be seen akumatised it would have helped take suspicion off us.”

“Oh you were seen.”

“What?”

“Chat Noir got there almost immediately after you left the house. Lucky for him that you collapsed before you could hit him with your powers.”

A cold shock of fear runs through her and she can't understand how he can be so calm. “Did he see that you released me?”

“I doubt he thought anything more of it than Adrien did. He was frantic about his apparent failure. He barely released you to me. If I'd thought of it in the moment I rather think I could have akumatised _him._ ”

“I wish you had.” Just because she's mostly reconciled to her fate doesn’t mean she enjoys the pain or the weakness. If they could have _won_ today, or even just won Chat Noir’s Miraculous it would have been an end to that at least.

“See, that’s what I need you for. To give me those ideas.” He glanced at his watch, “Will you be able to stomach food?”

“What?”

“You need to regain your strength. I’ll bring dinner up for you.”

“If it’s that late I should be getting home.”

“I don't think so.” He says, “You’re staying here tonight.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“What's ridiculous is the idea of you leaving this room when you're probably barely able to walk.”

He might have a point.

“Alright.” She allowed. “I will. Just this once though.” This is the opposite of something she should make a habit of unless she wants to make things harder for herself and harder for everyone.

“Nathalie,” Gabriel sighed, “Earlier, what I felt from you, did something happen?”

There was no way she was admitting what had actually set her off. She wanted to save _some_ dignity. Anyway it wasn’t like there was anything he could do about it.

“No. It was nothing.”

“It didn’t feel like nothing.”

“I don’t want to talk about it Sir.”

He straightened at her address and let go of her hand. “Well if you’re sure.”

“I am.”

“Then I’ll leave you to rest until dinner. Unless you need anything? Pyjamas? There’s toiletries in the bathroom I believe.”

“If you want.” She said and deliberately did not think about whose any nightwear she was given would be.

“Rest then Nathalie.”

As she watched him walk out the door she couldn’t stop herself from wondering if maybe he would miss _her_ and not just what she did for him after all. Not that it changed anything, and he probably _shouldn’t_ given what they were going to do but, it was a nice idea to entertain.

**Author's Note:**

> Me: looks at my WIP  
> Also me: What if I write another sad one-shot instead?


End file.
